The Common Male Worry—Sexual Boredom

Understanding these arousal styles helps you address a common male concern—sexual familiarity. You worry that sex with the same partner will become too familiar and arousal will become more difficult. If sex becomes too predictable, monotonous, boring, routine, the fear is that it will result in sexual dysfunction. Pornography producers understand this fear, which is why traditional magazines like Playboy or Penthouse are not one-time publications but monthly editions and why Internet sites have endless variety. Men who are burdened with this fear of boredom futilely demand excessive sexual variety from their partner or turn to pornography or sexual acting out.

The mistake is to believe that sexual arousal is solely dependent on variety and freshness. This reflects an overreliance on partner interaction arousal. When a man learns that sexual function with his partner is easier and more reliable with sensual self-entrancement and this can be supplemented with role-enactment arousal, his worry of sexual boredom and dysfunction is calmed. Healthy sexuality blends the multiple purposes for sex and multiple arousal styles.

Value Your Partner as Your Sexual Friend and Be an Intimate Team

In a one-night stand or a paid sexual encounter, the focus is on erotic sexuality; intimacy can interfere with sexual response. However, in a sexual friendship, serious relationship, or marriage, sex is part of an intimate relationship. Sex exists in the context of your real life activities, including dealing with chores, parenting, and conflicts.

Men traditionally pursue connection and emotional intimacy through sex. Sexuality for both men and women includes desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction. At a minimum, being an intimate team means not treating sex as a power struggle or being coercive. Ideally, it means seeing your partner as your intimate and erotic friend, where touching and sexuality can serve a number of positive emotional and physical roles, and where you share positive as well as disappointing experiences without blaming.

Integrate Sex Into Your Real Life and Your Real Life Into Your Sex Life

Your sex life changes as you age and grow. The role and meaning of sex is very different when you are a 15-year-old living at home, a 25-year-old young adult on your own, a 35-year-old man intent on conceiving his second child, a 45-year-old man feeling burdened with responsibility, a 55-year-old man who has launched his last child into college, a newly retired 65-year-old man, a 75-year-old man who is intent on beating the odds and maintaining physical health and sexual vitality, and an 85-year-old man who is enjoying a broad-based, flexible sexuality. The integration of varying life events into lovemaking recognizes the multiple purposes of sex. This can involve sex for anxiety release through orgasm, for emotional healing, for romance and emotional intimacy, and as a spiritual experience while sharing sadness about a parent’s death. Sexuality has many roles and meanings in a man’s life.

Realize That Good-Enough Sex Rather Than Settling for Mediocrity Is Genuine, Satisfying, and High Quality

This is such a central concept that we have devoted an entire chapter to it. Men worry that accepting Good-Enough Sex will somehow feminize them or means settling for second best. What nonsense. Theoretically, clinically, and personally we believe that the Good-Enough Sex model is the healthy, freeing, and realistic approach to male and couple sexuality. You are a sexual man, not a sexual robot/machine. Physically, emotionally, and relation-ally accepting sexual variability and flexibility is much superior to clinging to the traditional male model of perfect intercourse performance.

Closing Thoughts

It is crucial to establish a solid foundation for healthy male sexuality based on core concepts from the latest scientific findings and clinically relevant guidelines. Most of these new findings contradict the traditional macho sex role and perfect performance norm. Being a wise, confident, and strong sexual man entails awareness of healthy male (and couple) sexuality and adopting positive, realistic sexual expectations. You want to learn and adopt healthy thinking for healthy sexuality as a man.